i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
