I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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