I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
