fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize