Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
