I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
