found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
