so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
