Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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