Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
