first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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