I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
