please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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