Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
