so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize