Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
