when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
