I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
