They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
