I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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