fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
