There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
