I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
