the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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