I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
