The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
