You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
