I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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