we have pet lesbian snakes
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
