I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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