If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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