Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How external is "for external use only"?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize