i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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