Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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