Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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