so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
