Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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