I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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