Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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