Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
