clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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