Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
