no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
