ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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