The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
