Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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