i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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