You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
