There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
