one two three fourrrrnication!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
