Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
