So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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