a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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