I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
