Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We got so high we made milksteak
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
