he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
