I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
