My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
