Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
