got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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