So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
