Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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