Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
